Subject: News Flash: God Overrules U.S. Supreme Court
Date: Sat, 16 Dec 2000 12:25:26 -0500BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."
"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
God also took time to overrule a few other recent decisions:
Stunning the NBA, God overruled last night's Milwaukee Bucks 109-105 victory over the L.A. Lakers. Describing Sam Cassell's game-winning jumper with :03 to go as "lucky-ass bullshit," God waived off that basket. Lakers now win, 105-104.
God also overturned the results of the 1998 NCAA Final Four, awarding the NCAA National Championship to the North Carolina Tarheels. "There's just no way Utah beats UNC with Vince Carter and Antawn Jamison! I must have been napping during that one..." God announced that UNC actually was intended to beat Kentucky 85-71 in the NCAA title game, with Jamison recording a double-double, racking up 28 points and 19 rebounds to earn Final Four MVP honors.
Sending shockwaves through Hollywood, God announced that M*A*S*H should never have been cancelled and commanded the show be returned to the air, once Jamie Farr can be located. He also ruled that there may be no more movies starring David Spade.